Boundaries vs. Control: Knowing the Difference
Hello everybody.
So I have noticed an increase in the alpha male content or these like super toxic male dating strategy contents, where they abuse the term “setting boundaries” when what they're actually doing is exhibiting extremely controlling behavior within their relationships.
So let's talk about how setting boundaries and controlling behavior are different, even though sometimes on the surface they can be very similar.
Controlling behavior is basically forcing someone to behave in a way that they do not want to behave, or in a way that is also unhealthy for them. While setting boundaries is much more akin to expressing needs in a relationship and stating what you are and are not willing to live with within a relationship.
I have a pretty decent example about differentiating between boundaries and controlling behavior, and that is a story of an elderly couple that I knew. In this couple, the wife was a habitual smoker, smoking up to a pack a day. Eventually, unfortunately, she slipped into a coma that lasted several weeks. According to the husband, the doctor said that her coma was likely associated with the amount of cigarettes that she was smoking every day.
As soon as she woke up from the coma, one of the first things she asked for was a cigarette. This was something that made the husband very upset. Eventually he told her that he did not want to live with someone and watch them slowly kill themselves by continuing to smoke as much as she was every day.
So they came to a bit of a compromise: they would no longer live together, but they would stay married. They would still see each other every day, but they would live in different spaces.
This, I believe, to be an example of setting a healthy but very difficult boundary. He was not telling her that she needed to stop smoking in order for them to continue with their relationship. He simply stated that he would not live with her if she chose to continue smoking. At the end of the day, the choice to continue smoking was her right and her choice. So she decided to continue to smoke, and they lived separately.
Unfortunately, she passed away before they were ever able to live together again. A sad ending, I know, but this does serve as a good example of what setting a healthy but difficult boundary looks like, and how it is different from controlling behavior.
If the husband was more interested in being controlling, he would have attempted to tell her, “No, you cannot smoke, and we will not be together if you keep smoking.” But instead, he found a compromise. He set a healthy boundary.
We are not allowed to control someone else’s behavior. However, we are allowed to tell our partners what we need, and we’re also definitely allowed to tell our partners what we are and are not willing to put up with in a relationship. Additionally, we are always allowed to leave a healthy relationship if we feel that our needs are not being respected or if our boundaries are being crossed.
So if you're in a relationship and either you and/or your partner are having a hard time differentiating between controlling behavior or setting healthy boundaries, feel free to reach out and ask for help from trusted friends and family, or even mental health professionals. I assure you there are people out there who can give you an extra perspective and maybe even help you with your communication with you and your partner.
Thank you.
