Triangulation
The holidays are upon us once again. For many of us, that means a few things: enjoying holiday food and navigating family and relationship dynamics that may not come up during other times of the year. One dynamic that often surfaces is triangulation.
Triangulation can mean many different things in relationships, but here we’ll focus on one specific form: when one person uses another to get around a boundary that has been set. Let’s break down the roles in this triangle, what each person tends to do, and what they could do differently to avoid triangulation.
Person One: Circumventing Boundaries
Person One is the person attempting to get around a boundary. If this is you, it means you are in conflict with someone and bring in a completely unrelated third party to engage on your behalf. For example, maybe you’ve been asked not to bring up a certain topic or interact with a certain person. Instead of respecting that boundary, you get someone else to do it for you—sometimes without that person even knowing a boundary exists.
If you find yourself in this role, I encourage you to pause. Boundaries are set for a reason, even if we don’t fully understand why. Respecting them shows care for the relationship and prevents unnecessary conflict. Resist the urge to pull others into the situation and instead focus on honoring the boundary that was communicated to you.
Person Two: Setting the Boundary
Person Two is the one who sets the boundary. If this is you, your role may involve restating the boundary clearly to everyone involved. It’s important to remember that the third person may not realize the boundary was ever established, and they may be entirely innocent in the situation.
You might be asked to explain why the boundary exists. If you’re comfortable, you can do so. If not, you are allowed to say that you’re not comfortable sharing the reason—and that is enough. What’s most important is that the boundary is clear and consistent. It also helps to outline what the consequence will be if the boundary is crossed again, so expectations are set from the start.
Person Three: Being Pulled In
Person Three is the person being pulled into the conflict. If you are in this role, you are allowed to set your own boundaries. If Person One keeps trying to involve you, you have the right to say: “No, I will not be involved in this situation.” Protecting your peace is just as important as respecting the boundaries of others.
Final Thoughts
This is, of course, a simplified look at triangulation, but it’s a useful way to think about how these dynamics can show up during the holidays. By understanding each role—and making intentional choices to respect boundaries—we can keep family gatherings a little calmer, kinder, and healthier.
